silence

my headphones are named sunnies, because it makes me happy

i’ve had the longest day today. and i can’t pinpoint it down to any one cataclysmic thing, a few smaller things for sure, but nothing to really sign defeat for. i’d just gotten home, at 10:30pm, a respectable time on mondays. i started at 11am today and worked the whole way through. nothing too challenging, had some meetings for work, did some paperwork, served some drinks and even made a few tips from these kiwi boys who were winning big in the pokies. i’ve been forgetting to eat lately which only used to be reserved for when i had a terrible case of the (man) flu. but we’ll get into that another time. having taken some ritalin a few hours before, i decided to pour myself a coffee, grab my cigarettes that i nicked off of someone’s table at work the other day, and sit outside to compose and decompress before i ran off to the gym.

i was blasting music on my way home, Earl Sweatshirt’s album Doris was my poison. filled w angst and heartache, this was Earl’s first album after coming back from boarding school. his mother sent him there as she believed he was troubled and getting into too much mischief w his music collective Odd Future. Due to being unable to produce music while at school, he harboured his best and waited until his return to the states to release Doris. arguably my favourite album of all time.

but as i stepped out to the front porch in my gym gear and lit up my first dart, i felt myself filled w anxiety. i rattled some songs off in my head that would normally calm me down, ‘Lover is a day’ by cuco and ‘Homage’ by mile high club are some personal favs. But I didn’t think any of those would really do the job. And as I’m sitting scrolling through spotify, I realised that my headphones noise cancelling was on (Sony please sponsor me) and that was when it registered, that that was all i needed. Just silence. Pure, uninterrupted, peaceful silence. And i’ve been sitting in silence ever since i started writing this post on my porch.

I’m on my fourth cigarette and am yet to touch my coffee, but at least i’m feeling calm (yes i see the irony in all of this).

I do often like to walk or drive in silence. In the past when i had to do some big shops in melbourne cenral, the never ending rush of people and the huge chemist warehouse style sale signs protruding out of every orifice in that hell hole. But putting on my headphones and walking without playing anything. Unbelievably calming.

Quick break to photograph my silly cat meandering over someone’s car.

then most mornings on my way to work i’ve been choosing to drive in silence, maybe it’s because i’ve only woken up half an hour ago and knowing that when i get into work i’ll be forced to listen to the same fucking australia top 50 that has been playing every fucking day i’ve worked there. no wonder my work is doing shit.

i think its important to sit in silence from time to time. to have moments of clarity and to reflect on your thoughts. in an age where it is so incredibly simple to fill your brain w a million different pieces of stimuli. maybe its a good idea to challenge yourself and see how long you can go, just thinking.

i would say to take my advice w a pinch of salt, im the most baby brained ipad kid ever. but im trying my best, as we all are.