level 5

tw su!c!de

i often feel selfish when i think about the idea of killings myself

the first thing i always think of is “who’s gonna feed my cat”. and i know that my parents would feed my cat, they’d look after her and give her a good life. but that’s my daughter. i got her when she was just a kitten, cuddled her in bed every night, and built stairs out of books that led up to my bed when she couldn’t make the jump up. i already left her for a year, i don’t think i could do it again.

i think to my family. who i never used to be close to, nor did i used to care what they thought of me. but i think that maybe christmas would be a little harder if i wasn’t there. when there’s a spare seat at the table and they made too much food cause i always used to eat twice as much as everyone and then have some for a midnight snack later on. i remember reading some statistic that went something like “your siblings have a 50% increase in suicide rates if you do end up committing suicide” wild to think about.

and then eventually my friends. ive left marks at work that will remain forever. ik they think of me fondly, and i think id ruin their place of work if i left. i couldn’t that to them.

but lately, my brain has been a mess. i look right and left less often when i cross the road. deep down not caring at all if i did get hit. hoping that maybe it would make me feel something apart from disappointment, anger and guilt.

i’ve been drinking heavily lately. my doctor will tell ik. sometimes i even start in the morning. thank god i’ve never been an aggressive drunk.

i’ve been on 3 different antidepressants in the last few months. and it’s starting to take a toll on my brain. i feel fried and, come to think of it, i often find myself smacking my head against a wall

i should call my therapist but i even think jm letting her down. i cancel last minute and don’t respond to her texts.

i cried in front of my doctor today, it’s hard. the other day, i took the elevator up to the 5th floor when i was parked on the 3rd floor, i looked out over the edge and wondered what it would be like.

anyways, this isn’t a call for sympathy, this is just my personal space to write how i feel, maybe i’ll get to putting my poems out there eventually, who knows.

fuck me i think about killing myself every day