fifty-five
part of a potentially reoccurring series
i don’t view myself as a person that knows a lot of things. i mean, i got a 55 on my atar (australia’s version of gcse’s and gpa’s) which basically means that i was bang in the middle of the smart, tryhards that have the social skills of a lemon, and the losers that sniffed a little too much glue growing up. i was fine w this placement, i had crazy undiagnosed adhd at the time and, at the time, wondered why i couldn’t study even the day before my exams. but anyways, i often get questioned w things like “what should i do in melbourne? where should i eat, sleep and visit?”. and to this, im often stumped. i barely go out to eat because im a good cook and much prefer sitting watching youtube w my headphones on in my room. i dont really have good recs to stay since i used to live in my car for a bit and honestly would be happy w a pile of rocks as a pillow and soggy napkins as a blanket. god knows what there is to visit in melbourne either, the gallery? the state library?? idk, whatever. but i tell you what i do know. i know bars. pubs, speakeasy’s, rooftops, basements, you name it, i know it.
i remember when i got my first proper bartender gig, at a little bar called ponyfish island in the city. my bosses at the time1, of which who i look up to tremendously and hope i could be half as good the people that they are.
what they both knew above all, was good bars to go to, and as a stupid 19 year old from the country that barely ventured to the city, i was amazed by the variety and personality of all these bars i was taken by to. the brilliance of the rooftop goldilocks w its elevator that surely would drop if you so stepped w a little vigour. section 8 w its grungy architecture and love for all things grassroots. it made me grow to love melbourne, what i thought was just another drab city, was actually teeming w life and uniqueness.
and now, 5 years later, after travelling the world and spending countless amounts of hours in bars in all different countries, id like to think im an expert on the topic.
55 (stylised as fifty-five) is an incredibly dim lit, basement bar just off from the famous flinders street station. a small staircase, sandwiched between a tattoo studio and an escape room leads you down a set of narrow steps w a big sign overhead saying “live now” as if youre in some prehistoric (30 years ago) radio station. as you enter the space, youre greeted by what can only be described as a hue of cigarette smoke2. you glance around and youre welcomed by a curious array of architectural choices. for some reason, melbourne LOVES to have djs set aside in tiny booths that would be akin to housing vicious animals. fifty-five’s dj booth is no exception, tucked away so far in the corner that youd have to squint to see them. the next thing youre drawn to, is the questionable couches that are seemingly scattered around the establishment. theyve most likely sunk so far into framework that, if attempted, would be impossible to move. photo for reference
if you ignore what is potentially years worth of mysterious fluids that have no doubt been absorbed by the cushions, you sink into what could possibly be the comfiest couches youve ever reclined in. the only drawback to the comfort being that you have to peel yourself out of it to listen to the person across from you due to the aforementioned dj. once youre settled in, you become acquainted w the art that they have on the walls, often supporting local artists. and often being sold for the prettiest penny
the bathroom is a mystery in itself. you open one door and are instantly face to face w another. you cant even leave the toilet without doing some enstranged dance that white people do when theyre walkin on the same side of the path as you. i feel like im in this interdimensional cable bit from rick and morty. but once youve navigated yourself through the maze, you find yourself relaxing in a space covered by wallpapering w ads for old dj decks. a nice touch that somehow fits the space perfectly.
now, once youve passed all these wonderful attributes that make one of the best bars in melbourne. made SO good that it has in fact inspired me to write about it, you get to the bar, and youre looking through the menu. which isnt anything special. decent beers on tap and an average looking house cocktail menu3. but what youre greeted w is the most lackluster, half-assed, boring workers you could ever hope to meet. now let me get one thing clear before we venture on w this potential reoccurring post. i completely understand that hospitality isnt for everyone, and even more so, its just a way to make money on the side while youre studying or looking for something else. which i respect. i however, LOVE great customer interaction and genuine hospitality. maybe because those are the work qualities i value so much. maybe its because my dad is a beer wanker and grew up in the north-east of england, and being at the pub was half of your personality, or maybe i just enjoy having the odd chat to the bartender. anyways anyways, whenever i tell people to go to this bar. i always preface it w “ignore the bartenders, they suck and its all part of the experience”. the type of people that would spit in your drink if you turned around for half second while the card reader was in front of you. showing up to this place on a packed friday was like an insult on their character, as if they thought “how dare you ask me to serve you a drink at my place of work”, but maybe im just getting old and im sounding like my old man every day.
i am a man of many things, and one of those is having a taste for the oddly apt. one of those being negronis. and i understand the reason for hating this drink, my aforementioned old boss once told me “you need to have 7 negronis before you start liking them” and its an adage i tell even to this day. but back to the ingredients, you start off w dry gin (already a deterrent for most), campari (aperols evil cousin) and sweet vermouth (which is as far from sweet as you can get. but i feel like i need a baseline to connect all these reviews. something universal that can be compared to any other place in the world. you can nitpick a lot about this drink, from the surface level things like the brand of gin or sweet vermouth, to the deeper things like how long you stir the negroni for, to the size of the icecube4, all the way to the garnish. like wtf are we dealing w here, some dehydrated orange bullshit that adds nothing to my cocktail, a fuck off orange slice (which i often tend to like because i get a little snack w my drink) or even a fancy ass bullshit orange twist which they generally finger into my drink. i cant even blame this rant on my adhd cause i just took my medication5 about an hour ago. but back to it, the classic negroni, a nice benchmark between every bar, i give it a strong 7.5. nothing special but not terrible, tasty w decent sized ice. id attach a picture but ive been too intoxicated to take one before i neck it. will remember for next time.
all in all, this pub is the pinnacle of melbourne culture. divey and grimey w a sense of culture ingrained in music and art. w the kind of laissez-faire attitude that is so prevalent in australian culture, what a place
shout to thom and tani
smoking has been banned in pubs in my state since 2007, but i like to think its still lingered from that time
any melbournian knows that you NEED a house cocktail menu if you run a bar in the cbd. there are simply too many cocktail wankers that youre practically begging to go out of business if you dont have a half decent array.
which obviously effects the rate it gets diluted !!!!! important !!!!
which is basically speed if you look at it closely enough
bourdaincore